i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
