I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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