she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
