remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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