my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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