My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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