Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
