Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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