____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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