I wanna bring you to show and tell
even my farts smell like vagina
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Holy sore nipples Batman
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
