MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
