I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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