So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
