I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
