he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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