Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
