That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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