Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
