every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
its liver damage thursday
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
