my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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