One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
