Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
