I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
