It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
