He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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