We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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