nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Randomize
