Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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