I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
