I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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