I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
