At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
