then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
