you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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