I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
