last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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