phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
