I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We talked him into tasing himself.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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