A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
