And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
