So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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