yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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