A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
