I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
