You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
