just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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