Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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