I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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