Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
