I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
