I think I won the penis lottery.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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