clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
