hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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